Plenty of time to think today. 16 miles on the treadmill, another long run. The difference between the romance of the IM and the reality. I was there running long enough to see many people come and go. I'm sure many other IM participants have countless stories of how lonely training can be.
The worst is biking to work when I leave at 4:30 in the morning. Your just out there in the dark. Just you and your long, slow grind to your goal. There is always the obvious question of "IF" for the first round. I worked hard for that, 18 months of training, with that hounding question just out there in the back of all of my thoughts. But I wanted it. I got it, on a miserable cold raining day. And after finishing the first IM, it was a hell of a rush. Nothing like it. Nothing.
Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip? -Eminem
If you are a first-timer and find yourself reading through this, I will say that you will get out of the experience what you invest in it.
Then "Why?". Can I do it again? Lots of changes from the first, the most glaring my back fusion surgery. This one would be without Mike at my side, both of us encouraging the other on. Could I do it alone? This finish brought the answer "because I still can". Still can work hard and overcome my fears. The first physician I ever worked with, Dr. Greggor was a very kind man. He would call on the pm shift just to ask how things were going, because he knew I didn't appreciate being the team leader 2 months out of school. He would always say "Are you at the helm", which always seemed to lighten things up while reminding me that even though others didn't appreciate a younger boss, that I was the one in charge. He died of cancer during my second year of nursing. I learned to fill those shoes; but more importantly have remembered his words over and over again. Am I still at the helm; taking charge of my life and doing what needs to be done to get the results I want?
There is a great song by the group Incubus that most people have heard, but may not have thought much about. This is what was in my head as I dove into the cold water at the break of dawn in Arizona at the IM start. The first part of the song is really great. It is called "Drive":
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Round 3...I'm pushing more this time. I could cruise a marathon right now and I have never been this ready this early. And I don't know what for. I do know that I've been a soloist and I'm sick of it! I appreciate all of the people who spend time on me while out training. Even if it is just those who stop to chat with me while running on the treadmill.
Once, at a caregiver renewal course,we did a regression exercise where you work back to see why you are the way you are. I was there with my preceptor and we both agreed that the exercise was bogus but we would do it as instructed, remaining open and honest with each other. My issue to work on was trust. We went through these series of questions that seemed really silly at first. It didn't stay that way. I wont go into gory details, but both of us were crying by the time we completed both of our exercises. And our relationship will never be the same because of it. But it seems that sometimes we need to keep relearning old lessons. Old dog new tricks. I needed to trust myself and have some faith in the work that I put in.
Now, I just keep wondering what this is all for. So what if there are people out there that can travel 140.1 miles in one day. What is the point in that? Training is all-consuming. The lessons learned in IM 1&2 are bound to be different from this experience. The thoughts just keep coming back to "What is the point?". I'm not burned out. I'm here, putting in the miles. But I keep thinking about those charity challenge folks that are changing their communities while taking on the IM.
The worst is biking to work when I leave at 4:30 in the morning. Your just out there in the dark. Just you and your long, slow grind to your goal. There is always the obvious question of "IF" for the first round. I worked hard for that, 18 months of training, with that hounding question just out there in the back of all of my thoughts. But I wanted it. I got it, on a miserable cold raining day. And after finishing the first IM, it was a hell of a rush. Nothing like it. Nothing.
Look, if you had one shot or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted in one moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip? -Eminem
If you are a first-timer and find yourself reading through this, I will say that you will get out of the experience what you invest in it.
Then "Why?". Can I do it again? Lots of changes from the first, the most glaring my back fusion surgery. This one would be without Mike at my side, both of us encouraging the other on. Could I do it alone? This finish brought the answer "because I still can". Still can work hard and overcome my fears. The first physician I ever worked with, Dr. Greggor was a very kind man. He would call on the pm shift just to ask how things were going, because he knew I didn't appreciate being the team leader 2 months out of school. He would always say "Are you at the helm", which always seemed to lighten things up while reminding me that even though others didn't appreciate a younger boss, that I was the one in charge. He died of cancer during my second year of nursing. I learned to fill those shoes; but more importantly have remembered his words over and over again. Am I still at the helm; taking charge of my life and doing what needs to be done to get the results I want?
There is a great song by the group Incubus that most people have heard, but may not have thought much about. This is what was in my head as I dove into the cold water at the break of dawn in Arizona at the IM start. The first part of the song is really great. It is called "Drive":
Sometimes I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I cant help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer
It's driven me before, it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I'm beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there
With open arms and open eyes yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there, I'll be there
Round 3...I'm pushing more this time. I could cruise a marathon right now and I have never been this ready this early. And I don't know what for. I do know that I've been a soloist and I'm sick of it! I appreciate all of the people who spend time on me while out training. Even if it is just those who stop to chat with me while running on the treadmill.
Once, at a caregiver renewal course,we did a regression exercise where you work back to see why you are the way you are. I was there with my preceptor and we both agreed that the exercise was bogus but we would do it as instructed, remaining open and honest with each other. My issue to work on was trust. We went through these series of questions that seemed really silly at first. It didn't stay that way. I wont go into gory details, but both of us were crying by the time we completed both of our exercises. And our relationship will never be the same because of it. But it seems that sometimes we need to keep relearning old lessons. Old dog new tricks. I needed to trust myself and have some faith in the work that I put in.
Now, I just keep wondering what this is all for. So what if there are people out there that can travel 140.1 miles in one day. What is the point in that? Training is all-consuming. The lessons learned in IM 1&2 are bound to be different from this experience. The thoughts just keep coming back to "What is the point?". I'm not burned out. I'm here, putting in the miles. But I keep thinking about those charity challenge folks that are changing their communities while taking on the IM.
Comments
I look forward to working with you this year- you are a great resource for me!